Connection and Commitment

That day I was intriqued about a discussion with my friend on the topic of the stages of a relationship and I found this online which speaks alot to me. Many people nowdays see intimacy with a different perspective, this is what I always felt intimacy should be:

The Third Stage of Intimacy-Connection

Selection from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams about a conversation between a toy rabbit and an older toy called the Skin Horse:

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn’t how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn’t happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand."

"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy’s Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always. "

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.. (Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit: or How Toys Become Real, Doubleday, New York)

In this childhood story, the Skin Horse says that when someone really loves you for a long, long time (not just to play with, but really loves you) then you become real. We seek to experience real love from someone who isn’t changeable or just for a short time because deep down we all know that lasting love is an essential ingredient in becoming fully human. After all, when your life has run its course, who wants to look back at how much money you made or even how important or famous you became? Isn’t the love you gave, the love you shared, one of the key ways you will judge your own life?

The Rabbit wants to become Real, to know what it feels like to be loved, but he is afraid of having his plastic eyes and whiskers fall out. Similarly, while we all seek out love, we often fear its demands, knowing that when you love someone, there are costs—financial, emotional, sacrifices of time and freedom.

Feelings of infatuation must end. In his statement at the beginning of the chapter, Harville Hendrix, the psychologist, explains that infatuation is nature’s trick, a Shakespearean A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream, to bring two incompatible people together for the purpose of mutual growth. No couple can afford to stay in this dreamlike, drug-induced state forever. After being together for months or years after the first moments of infatuation, it’s usual for feelings of neutrality for one’s partner to set in. The brain becomes used to the chemical "high" produced by the mix of dopamine, norepinephrine, and PEA and needs greater and greater doses to get the same "buzz."

Other demanding tasks press in that demand clear minds and strong wills. As if afraid to face the future, many couples break up. When the intense feelings wear off, they wonder what they ever saw in their boyfriend/girlfriend and try to find some one else, as if they were "romance junkies" literally addicted to feelings of love. They try to find a new partner to stimulate those PEA "love drug" feelings again and again.

Such people often find it difficult to enter the third stage of intimacy, what Pat Love calls "Connection." The relationship is in transition from passion to companionship and a more lasting love: from irrational need and obsession to mutual affirmation and acceptance. Ongoing physical contact, not just sexual excitement, leads the brain to release continued high doses of oxytocin and increased levels of morphine-like substances, endorphins, that lead to feelings of calmness, security, a general sense of well-being. In this stage one can feel the joy of clear-sighted unity. This deep kind of friendship depends less on passion and more on stability.

Tender looks are the pieces of treasure at this stage. As Peter Ustinov once said, "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." We all enjoy being passionately desired, but even more fulfilling is to be deeply accepted. For your "soulmate" to accept you when he or she knows most, or even all, of your weak points and sees you at your worst, is to experience a deeper level of love.

Lucy says about her twenty-one-year-long love and marriage to Rick: "It becomes so comfortable, you know, like an old shoe." Rick just smiles and says thank you at being compared to an old shoe. Lucy continues, "It’s just not that crazy feeling anymore. There’s security and caring and it just gets better and better. So the infatuation is gone? You just bring it to another level." (Alan Feuer, "What’s Love Got to Do With It?", New York Times, February 14, 1999)

In this stage the character of the other person becomes a very important issue. Whether that person has good or poor qualities of character can lead to your enduring happiness or misery, whether you can feel proud or ashamed of your boyfriend/girlfriend and yourself. Whether your partner is really "cool" or sexy-looking becomes much less important than whether he/she is honest, sincere, trustworthy, hardworking, giving, unselfish, etc. We all know of countless Hollywood couples who rate on the top of the "Sexiest Man" or "Sexiest Woman in America" lists whose marriages broke up within just a few years.

As the PEA high of passion recedes, you will begin to see each other more realistically, with the strengths and weaknesses that all human beings have. The habits of relationship this person learned in his/her family will now be revealed more and more. Dr. Joel Bernstein, a New Jersey-based marriage counselor says that a mix of deep respect and a good sense of humor works best, "The teasing, and particularly a sense of playfulness, absorbs the aggression in relationships and fosters love."

People who never achieve this third stage of intimacy, connection, are like leaves blowing in the wind, or like the shiny, windup toys mentioned in the story. They attract a lot of attention for a few hours, but break easily. They have no root and gravitate to this or that person for a while, but are never able to establish the love and intimacy which are based on real trust that comes with commitment.

In most cultures in the world, a couple shows their enduring committed love by getting married. While marriage ceremonies may differ because of religious or cultural differences, all known cultures in the world have the institution of marriage.